Agoraphobia and Me

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People with Agoraphobia and/or Panic Disorder Stories

Dear James,

I read your story and deeply sympathize. I was where you are at your age. When I was 22, I was totally housebound. I was newly married, had a job, but no children. I could not leave my house. I knew I had to get help or I would be forever there. I got a referrel to a psychologist who helped me immensely by helping me understand what was wrong with me and showed me some calming techniques to use when I started to panic.

I believe that because I have this, it is why I went to college and got my Bachelor in Psychology. So I could better understand myself and others. It has helped me immensely.

James, I have had agoraphobia since I was 5 years old! Mine started when I was forced to travel at a young age to a place that made me very uncomfortable. The more I was forced to go, the worse I got.

I am now 51 years old and have been coping with this disease my whole life. I am now what I term a "functioning" agoraphobic. I go places, I hold a job down, I travel a bit, I go out, but I still get attacks once in a while. I still do coping mechanisms to allow me to do all these things. I do not ride with anyone else in their car. I always drive where I am going -- no matter what. I rarely let anyone else, except my immediate family -- my husband, two sons, my sister, my mom -- ride with me. Even my extended family -- nieces, nephews, brother -- make me uncomfortable - so I almost never have them in my car. I do coping strategies -- where if I am going somewhere and a whole bunch of people are going, I make excuses why I have to drive myself or with maybe just my husband and me. But you know what -- I still go. My family is aware that I have this problem. Some of the extended family is in denial -- but the majority try to understand and let it go. It's sort of the "elephant" in the room.

I don't tell friends or coworkers or others about my problem, because they can't really understand. I have told my best friend after knowing her for 13 years. She has a problem riding with others too.

When I start to have a panic attack, I try to think of other thoughts -- like what I am going to do today, or organize something in my head, or make a list of future activities, or read a book, or listen to talk radio when I'm driving and make comments out loud about what they're talking about (I only do this when I'm alone), or talk to my husband or sons about some complicated topic that needs concentration. I also use this method when I am out in public. If I am standing in line to check out or waiting for something and I start feeling uncomfortable - I will strike up a conversation with a person in line with me or the checker or whoever.

I also use the breathing exercises that my therapist taught me to use.

The greatest help for me has been getting close to God. I know that no matter how bad I feel or how panicky I feel - He is with me. He comforts me - because He is my Father and loves me no matter what. (I know this sounds touchy, feely -- but it is the truth!)

Also, James, I have good days and bad days - but I am here to tell you don't give up Hope. It WILL get better. Just keep trying.

What agoraphobia is, from my experience, is a loss of inner security. Most people don't understand, but they carry their security inside with them and that allows them to feel OK wherever they are. But agoraphobics lose this. They associate a place, thing or person as security. When this no longer feels secure either -- that's when the real panic sets in.

James, you need to believe in yourself. You are a good person and even though you have a problem, you still have a great deal to give to the world or God wouldn't have put you here.

For instance, this blog has already helped many people express their fears, concerns and triumphs, and guess what -- this was your creation.

Don't give up -- there are great things ahead!

If you want to post this, you may. Also, if you would like to e-mail me, I would love to hear how you are doing.

Keeping you in my thoughts,

Donna

I just launched this site on April 2nd 2008 but Id like to get your stories dealing with panic disorder, agoraphobia or just anxiety in general. The site has done well seeing how it just started so your stories could help someone including myself. This site was made to give a very personal first hand look into the life of someone with agoraphobia (not much to it) but it is comforting to others with the same condition.

Please feel free to send your stories Share Your Story and feel free to make your story as long as you wish, the more detail the better. Also, include a link to a personal page or a website if you wish. A link to this site on your myspace pages or any other sites you may have would be appreciated because more than likely someone you know has some type of anxiety or anxiety disorder. Thanks!

In october 2001 I broke my back, could barely walk for six months and when I managed more than a dozen steps in a row, I would collapse so going out really wasn't an option. Over time, the muscles and nerves healed and walking became easier although as my back regained its strength, my mind seemed to lose its hold. I would spend more and more time alone in my room and it got to the point where leaving the tiny space of my room was a trauma. In March 2002, I was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Going to the bathroom became a total nightmare, not only was I out of my 'safe' zone but there were always people in the house so I had to contend with those too. I spent almost a year in a 10ftx10ft room, leaving only to go to the toilet, and fetch food. Showering and any other task that meant being out of my room for longer than 3 minutes would be done in the early hours of the day when everyone else was safely asleep. My family didn't understand, they thought I was lazy and didn't want to go back to work. Ok, so I didn't have the greatest job in the world but I enjoyed it, I enjoyed just being outside and in the fresh air. Before I developed agoraphobia, I was almost never in my house. I'd sleep here and that was it. I tried to work it out on my own. At the time, I had no internet connection and since speaking on the phone terrified me, all I had was myself.

Once I got myself using the rest of the house, I started trying to fix myself, tried to go out, broke some fingers and got some black eyes thanks to panic attacks to the point of passing out. Eventually, my mum started to believe that I wasn't faking it and there was something genuinely wrong with me. She went behind my back and called in some apparent 'mental health professionals'. I say apparent because these people turned up at my house, asked me what I was doing about it, how I felt about it etc. Their conclusion was, in layman's terms, since I understood my condition, it wasn't a problem and they left, never to be seen again.

My family were no real use, all I ever heard from them was; "well its not like you go anywhere." Like I had a choice in the matter. I couldn't stand having people in the house, even family members made me nervous and I would retreat to my room whenever anyone came to the house. I lost all my friends because they didn't understand and they had lives to live. The world carried on without me.

Eventually I joined the modern world and connected to the net where I read everything possible on my condition, panic attacks, social phobias, anything that seemed relevant to me. Being on very, very little money, and having an incredibly useless doctor, I had to work a way of doing it on my own. I think I just got sick of staring at my house and was determined things were going to change, if I had a panic attack, so what?? Who cares??. That was the thing that stopped the panic attacks in the house. If I had one outside, rather than running back home I would sit in the street and list episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer until I calmed down. I could be in the garden and enjoy the sunshine without shaking and hyperventilating. Then I decided I was going out. It was about 4am at the time but I put on my shoes and coat, opened the front door and marched off down the road all the time chanting, something that even now, I can't remember. Before I knew it I was at the shop in my street, only about 200 yards from my house but I was there and alone. I freaked out totally and sprinted back home faster than any Olympic athlete. Once indoors, I had about 4 huge panic attacks in succession that lasted for almost 3 hours... the ambulance was called and they put me on oxygen until I could breathe properly on my own.

After that, I tried a new plan. I told myself I was going to a specific place. That went even worse, I never made it out of the gate and even now, if I know I have to go somewhere on a specific day and time, I never get there.

The plan then became to never, ever plan anything. If I feel brave, I'll get the dog and go, if I only go a few feet, then thats cool, if I go a few hundred feet, thats even better but I never, EVER tell myself where I'm going. I learnt it was easier to beat yourself up about not succeeding that celebrating what you did do. Over time, I managed to go further and further, I even started walking my friends dog before I got my own (dog, not friend) We would never go very far but every friday or saturday at about 2 in the morning, we would go for a walk. It felt great to be able to do that.

Unfortunately, that was it my self made progress came to a halt and I couldn't make myself go any further so I tried hypnosis which was great immediately after but as a long term solution, not for me! I also tried CBT, EFT and plenty of other things ending with a T all to no avail. I then turned to the doctors for help. They gave me some SSRIs and I was warned that I would probably find I'd have an increase in anxiety and panic attacks in the first week or two. Believing that it would help in the long run, I accepted the risks and started taking them. It was the biggest mistake of my life, I seemed to develop all the side effects, I was throwing up, having panic attacks when the mail came and generally its the worst I'd ever been. My best friend had seen these pills in action before, someone close to her had been taking them at the time she commited suicide so she was being extra vigilant.

After a week of taking them, she took them away from me and called the doctor. Apparently, I had been staring straight through her, babbling about the carrots running riot in the pool (I don't have a pool), throwing up and losing weight and generally being on the verge of a panic attack constantly. Simple things like the kettle boiling would make me have a panic attack.

Now here I am, I'm off the pills entirely but right back where I started. I can open the front door without a problem, can see people regularly without too much drama and am able to be in the front garden as long as my mind is occupied. You know what?? I'm angry about it. I worked really hard, broke fingers and had more black eyes and bloody noses than a championship boxer and I now don't have anything to show for it. I can't even go to the nearest store for smokes or chocolate without having a panic attack.

It's hard work, but you have to be in the right mindset to do it. Get angry, anger is the best thing in the world to get you moving and once you start going then even if its only one or two steps more than usual, its something. Celebrate your achievement, even if it's only a tiny one, Rome wasn't built in a day and every journey starts with a single step so just take one more step before you turn back and gradually you build up the comfort zone.
Take someone with you who understands and knows the signs of a building panic attack. I find that if someone if with me who knows, they never let me slip into it because when I start getting jittery, they start me off on a conversation that they know will rile me up. Whatever it takes to take your mind off of it helps. I tried going out with my mum once and all she kept saying was; look how far you are, aren't you doing well!!! It was like putting someone who is scared of heights into a glass bottomed elevator and saying, look how high we are!! Never again.

I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable going out alone again but I know this for certain, I'm not a quitter and I've managed to do it to some extent on my own before and I WILL do it again. Bring on the black eyes and broken fingers.

Kay

How I Strengthened My Parasympathetic Nervous System (Calming Branch) With Walking, Creative Writing to Harp Music, and Nutrition

How I published my agoraphobia story as a paperback book and you can publish your own story at no cost to you to publish your book or pamphlet as a print on demand paperback.

documentaryreviews@hotmail.com

I published my agoraphobia story as a book. Anyone can publish his or her story as a beautiful book at no cost to the author at www.lulu.com. I published my story with another print on demand publisher, though because I belong to a journalism group that offers a deep discount on print on demand publishing with that other publisher. If anyone wants to read my story, the book is listed online with most online booksellers such as www.barnesandnoble.com or at my publisher's site.

It's first chapter is about how I used simple exercises and nutrition, never taking any drugs to get rid of my panic and agoraphobia that crept up after childbirth. The rest is the stress story that led up to the onset of panic, fear, and agoraphobia because I just didn't feel safe where I lived at that time...It's now 43 years later and I can use these exercises that strengthen the parasympathetic nervous system by belly breathing and a type of slower breathing regulated by therapeutic music.

I also listen to harp music that heals. I was born with a dominant sympathetic nervous system and my mission was to strengthen my parasympathetic nervous system to conquor the anxiety....also getting a loving dog to pet helped...as did mediation, exercise, nutrition, and vitamin and mineral supplements. I never took any medication for agoraphobia.

What helped most was walking an hour or more a day, slowly and calmly, my vegetarian and fish diet, stretching lightly, qi gong, tai chi, and chair yoga...Fish oil helped, and now in my senior years, the CO-Q10 and fish oil, calcium/magnesium, grapeseed extract/resveratrol, multivitamins (a little), and on a different day, vitamin C, all worked for me. Each person is different. People with panic disorder or agoraphobia are more sensitive than those without anxiety to rooms filled with carbon dioxide, like a crowd in a closed room where the door isn't open for fresh air.

At 5% carbon dioxide in the air, you might panic, whereas the other person would feel uneasy at 7% carbon dioxide in the air. So open the door if you're in a crowded room listening to a lecture and the door is shut. There could be poor ventilation.

I found mediation with harp music, my Resperate slow breathing machine, my EM wave stress reliever machine, and my other biofeedback machines also help to get rid of stress and relax.

I hope my book will help someone else with agoraphobia and panic at some point in their lives. I am now a happy, meditation music-loving senior citizen. The agoraphobia happened when I was 23.

The title of my book is: Why We Never Give Up the Need for a Perfect Mother, paperback, Pages: 218,ISBN: 0-595-43402-9 Published: Mar-2007 read the summary at: Summary.

Perhaps your short-stemmed genes for anxiety plus family or work-related stress are aggravating your agoraphobia and panic, with added nutrition and walking, it's time to see the pantry as half full instead of half empty. Positive thoughts also help. What works best for me now is practicing slower breathing with my Breatheasy software and ambient music. See: http://www.control-your-blood-pressure.com/proof.html.

My book's first chapter explains how I burned out agoraphobia and panic disorder by stretching, walking in place, and nutritional changes. Research your individual issues from my detailed experience. The rest is a chronological diary of how life events can contribute to the stress that turns on a genetic propensity to be anxious when you don't feel safe in a specific environment.

In my opinion, the world is divided between calm people with a long 5-HTT gene and anxious individuals with a short 5-HTT gene. People with a short 5-HTT gene live with constant electrical activity in their brain's fear center. My book chronicles an individual account of the possible genetic basis of agoraphobia and panic disorder, one woman's war against the fear of going outside.

You may be predisposed to either anxiety or depression if you have a short 5-HTT gene. Look up the article reporting a study that links depression to an overactive fear center in the brain titled, "Bound for Gloom and Doom," Proceedings of the National Academy or Sciences, October 11, 2006.

You can find this online at ScienceNOW Daily News. Online, check out ScienceNOW's search engine at: ScienceNOW.

In my opinion, your genes react to different foods, vitamins, and treatments. If you're concerned about hormonal imbalances and genetic predisposition, such as a short 5-HTT gene, how your body metabolizes nutrients or what defects are in your autonomic nervous system, then discover genetic causes of vitamin over stimulation or under absorption.

My book explainss how I burned out agoraphobia and panic disorder with mild exercise such as walking in place and nutritional changes. Research your individual issues from my detailed experience. I hope this is of help to someone. You are in my prayers. The greatest lesson I've learned is to research, check facts, and trust.

With good thoughts, we can move through stress. With me, it was the Himalayan bowls, the ambient music, and the visual imagery of beautiful beaches and ocean waves that helped me build up my parasympathetic system, that calming branch. I used creative writing as 'therapy' while listening to meditative harp music in the background and visualizing beautiful calming beach scenes.
Anne Hart

James,
Congratulations on your new website -- I learned of it through the Panic Zone. I've suffered from panic disorder for years and my mother had agoraphobia, so I know what you're going through, and glad you're helping others with your story.

Part of my story is that I recently published a very well-reviewed novel--STANDING STILL, from Simon & Schuster-- featuring a heroine who suffers from panic and anxiety.

A lot of people with anxiety are enjoying seeing themselves portrayed more realistically than Tony Soprano. I thought you might enjoy it, or consider posting a link to my website about it -- www.bykellysimmons.com
Thanks and good luck with your site.
Kelly