Letters To My Doctor

Since my doctor came to my home to treat my agoraphobia, she asked me to write her emails to keep track of my progress. Most of my "positive" progress at that time was due to things I did on my own such as relaxation, meditation and breathing. I was trying to combine those things with what she told me to do which was fine with her and hopefully get over my agoraphobia sooner.

I think its important to remember that the internet is a great tool for researching agoraphobia and there are some great techniques and some not so great techniques to help you deal with your agoraphobia. Most importantly your will power and determination is key. These emails are meant to give you a glimpse at my mindset at that period of time and maybe an idea of things to keep your doctor filled in on.

December 24, 2007
Hi,
We just got our internet today so Im ready for those files you wanted to send. Until I get DSL in a week or so Im stuck with dial-up so bear with me. If you remember those relaxation tapes I told you about well the site is called "Brian Sync" and the web address is http://www.brainsync.com Im currently using the tape called "Total Relaxation" Theres also another called "The Secret" which is subliminal messages.

There is wealth of information on the site about the different techniques including stress, relaxation and sleep Anyway, our car broke down again the day you left but Ive spent little time worrying about it because Im trying to just let things go. Ive been going along with the DVD you let me borrow and that helps keep me on track and so I dont have to read the different exercises over and over again. Ill write tomorrow and give more in depth information when I start giving you the online reports daily.

Bye
James

As you can probably tell this was my first email to my doctor explaining a few new things I was trying at that time including meditation, which to date is the best thing Ive tried yet.

December 24, 2007
Hi,
Yes I did listen to the secret and I wrote about it. Heres what I wrote right after listening to it.

Just finished listening to "The Secret" and I think its inspiring. As the cd went on it made more and more sense. What really made me realize this is very true is when I thought of how when my mom ditched us and Tabitha had no way to work and the car didnt run ect. After we got everything under control I still had that issue of my mom ditching us and I could choose to get bitter or get better and I choose to let it go because I knew it would drag me down, not because I didnt care but because I knew it wasnt healthy mentally.

Its kind of like "you are what you eat' in you are what you think. Thats a great cd and I recommend it to anyone because if you step back and look at how you presive the world around you, a lot of whats wrong is only what you think is wrong. Sometimes for me I can have alot of good things going on and Ill let that one small thing ruin my whole day or stress out about something that wont matter tomorrow or even later that day. In closing "the secret" really helped with telling me I create my panic and fears by imagining them and dwelling on them and if Id only focus more on being better than Id get better but as long as I focus on always panicking and anxiety Ill always be panicky and have anxiety.

I have three tapes right now. Total Relaxation, The Secret (which is subliminal messages)and Stress Free Forever. Hope you have a great christmas.

James

In this email I listened to a cd my doctor gave me called The Secret: The Law Of Attraction it basically explains that your world is what you think it is and how you think is what your world is made of. Kind of like you live in your mind. I do recommend this by the way.

December 26, 2007
After learning the secret and trying to apply what I learned to my own life I sat down and told myself "what do I want to do?" "where do I want to go?" and actually that was hard at first because I thought my goals were too small but as I pondered it over I realized theyre my goals and only I think my goals are small. For example when family came over for christmas I didnt get that anxious feeling in my gut like before. I was calm and didnt wear my hat. I let go, and said to myself this is my world and in my world I am calm and I choose to be calm. I dont worry about tomorrow, I dont worry about how things will get done or fixed because Im living in the now. I dont say or think things like "one day Ill be better" for example last night I was talking to Tabitha and told her that "when I get over this" I said it without thinking about it. Thats a big step for me to say this will be conquered. While listening to my audio tapes Ill just think positive things like "I am calm" "I am relaxed" ect.

Ive gotten worked up very little the last few days. I do all my exercises and listen to my audio tapes 3- 4 hours a day. Ive jumped into this head first and dont want to look back. As I learn one thing I strive for more. I download this program called "Smoooth" with three o's its a breathing program to help me with my breathing and to give me an idea of how to breath correctly to relax. It works wonders! Its like the breathing I did with emwave, I liked that and so I found a program on the internet to use. I also got a program called "Brain Trainer" which is to help put my brain to work and tests me daily on my mental skills.

Anyway, thats about all for now. Take care.

James

I was on cloud nine at this time but I was listening to relaxation tapes five to six hours a day but I was relaxed. I spent so much time breathing and doing relaxation techniques that I didnt have time to panic or get anxious. Notice how I never talk about any of her methods she taught me and I only talk about things Ive tried, this is because her circuit techniques just werent for me.

January 2, 2008
Hi,
Ive been doing my exercises daily and started taking St. Johns Wort 3 times daily. Ive kind of slowed down on my relaxation tapes mainly because of the holidays. I have to give myself a C+ right no I guess but Im going to get myself back on track. Ive been reading your book you let me borrow, plus the breathing and brain trainer exercises. I get distracted easily so this as been hard after about 3 days. Tabitha has to go to DHR on January 10th. They said they have forms for you to fill out before they will give me a medical card. Plus I have an attachment in this email that is a very short three pages that needs to be filled out if you would do so for me.

I guess you can send it to me and Ill mail them in. I dont have a printer or Id print it out and mail it to you. I hope you had a great holiday and hopefully soon we can get together on a more consistent basis.

James

Now only a week after starting I think my A.D.D kicked in and I was listening to relaxation tapes and meditating for five or six hours a day and I was burned out. Plus I couldnt afford my doctor visits and I was trying to get a medical card which just the sign up process takes weeks not to mention I was denied in February because my wife made too much, which is funny because she only made just above minimum wage at that time, which in West Virginia is $5.85.

Right when everything seems to be going great life kicks in. My anxiety comes and goes. My "what if" thinking returns. I cant never stay on one thing Im doing for more than a few days (A.D.D) I couldnt afford to keep seeing my doctor and D.H.H.R said getting a medical card could take one to six months! Not to include Tabitha was walking to work while I sat at home because our car didnt run and once we got a car my agoraphobia got so bad I couldnt take her anyway. So, whats left for me? How about an email from my doctor saying the following:

January 31, 2008
James,

I asked you to get me the phone number of the person at DHHR ? I have been waiting for over a week.
Get you on Medicaid yes, SSD no. I am not going to fill out the Social Security Disability forms. You can improve. I'm gone for 10 days. I expect a phone number when I get back on Monday the 11th. I probably can't get email where I'm going.

She had called me and asked whats the deal with my medical card an I explained it would take some time and she didnt believe me and wanted a number to call someone and find out what the deal was. I called D.H.H.R and if you have ever called them you know what Im talking about. After waiting for over 30 minutes someone told me I called the wrong office and gave me the number to another office. After another 30 minutes someone answered and once again told me I had the wrong office and couldnt even tell me who my case worker was. I said forget it and never wrote her back, thinking shed get the point. Needless to say I was in a bad mood that day and responded:

Well when youre broke and Tabitha just lost her job and no car and the closest timeline (that is if everything goes perfect) is six months, then SSD is all I have going right now. Its already been three months with no improvment and Im not some science experiment. I called DHHR and they gave me the run-around. They were suppose to call and give an interview with me and never did. So, a three page form asking you to tell the truth about my condition is too much to ask? It dont even ask for a time line for recovery, just the truth about my condition at the moment and that would be I cant work wouldnt it? but apparently youre anti-social security and Im some science experiment for Marshall University.

I was beyond stressed at that point. The form Im mentioning is called a "RFC" its a three page form for Social Security and its all check boxes and she didnt have to write a thing. Heres the link to a RFC (Definition of RFC. RFC is what an individual can still do despite his or her limitations) that Social Security loves because its simple questions but its to see what type of work you can and can not do. Mental RFC If you have to get a lawyer they will request your doctor to fill one of these out but you can download this one also and have your doctor fill it out so thats one major thing you have out of the way. Finally, in March she wrote me and asked if I got my Social Security Disability and I responded:

Hi,
Thank you for writing. I had an appointment on Friday (the 7th) but couldnt go. So theyre having someone come over on Wednesday. Her name is ******** *********, from Hurricane. We got a new car now and I dont drive any longer so Tabitha walks to work, it kills me. Shes suppose to get her license on Thursday. I had a bad panic attack two weeks ago and now I sleep all day to avoid being around Tabitha because Im so anxious. I cant even watch tv with her because I get so worked up and my chest gets tight and heavy. As for the medical card, they asked for Tabithas W-2's and check stubs and we sent them and then they sent me a letter asking for a letter from SSI saying Im disabled by the 24th of february in which I didnt have and they sent me a letter on friday denying me (DHHR).

I really appreciate your help and your concern. Wednesday will be hard for me because Im anxious in my own home now even without strangers around, much less with someone asking me questions ect. So, I hope it goes fast and get it over with. So, hopefully if I get SS I can worry less about money and worry more about my health and actually get some much needed help.

Thank you for writing.
James

Its been a rough journey so far and having agoraphobia doesnt help things. Panic disorder is bad enough and couple all that with events that you cant control and as fate would have it, this is where I am now. Maybe some of you have more self discipline than me or maybe more will power or motivation. This is life and this is my path. Its really like a chess match, if you dont plan your moves right youll end up in check mate but sometimes you just arent ready for what life has to throw at you and sometimes the other player is just better than you. Just like in chess you can get better and agoraphobia is no different. One day this journey will be a victory.