About me
My name is James Collins Im now 24 years old and have had small panic attacks since 2003 and shrugged them off and thought, well if thats all they were then I didnt have to see a doctor and could handle them on my own. Then on May 30, 2005 I watched my moms boyfriend die. I took it hard and with that and working and worrying about my mom its really stressed me out and took its toll on me. I took a few days off and stayed with my mom and after the funeral I went back to work. On June 10th, I was working and my shift was almost over and someone came into the store I was working at and asked for something and when I bent over to get it I felt this rush and when I raised up my heart was pounding. I quickly rang him up and it seemed like 50 people decided to come in at that time. I was shaking and trying to think straight plus ring people up. I would scan someones credit card and go in the cooler and pace around while the credit card processed. It really drained me and I didnt know what was going on. I quickly went home (Even though 3rd shift was 15 minutes late) and had been panicking for around 25 minutes. When I got home
I went to bed and was so anxious I couldnt sleep and my wife was worried about me but I just felt funny. I knew something wasnt right. The next day I was suppose to go to work and I went to the bathroom to smoke a cigarette and my heart just started pounding. I put the cigarette out just got in the shower but my heart wouldnt stop pounding. I knew I had to go to the doctor. I went and the doctors office is 5 minutes from here so when I got there I filled out the papers they gave me and two minutes later it seemed like everyone in the room was talking at once and they were taking someone out on a stretcher. I started panicking and I told Tabitha (my wife) lets go. I went home knowing I couldnt go back to work like this and I havent went back to work since. One good thing to come of it is that I havent smoked a cigarette since that day.
Driving:
After my panic attacks got really bad on June 10th it wasnt long until it affected my driving. By the end of June my driving had been cut down to taking Tabitha to work and back. Which is a five minute drive. I had wanted a dog and we went to a place that was 30 minutes from here and it was really hot and I was aggravated and we were sitting in a parking lot
when panic set in. I just got really quiet and drove home which was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I had to pull over at a Wendys and splash water on my face. On top of that once we got home I had to take her to work five minutes later and traffic is really bad here, plus they were adding another lane of traffic so they were holding up traffic a lot.
Not a good year to have agoraphobia. By winter the extra lane of traffic was completed and I was use to driving with my anxiety by then so the five minute rive wasnt that bad. It even got to where I could sit in a parking lot and wait on her for twenty minutes or more while she shopped for groceries. But compared to being able to go in myself just a few month earlier didnt really make me feel much better.
Family:
Of course my family thought I was crazy. My mom thought I didnt want to work and my wifes family to this day still thinks Im making it sound worse than what it really is and Im not "being a man" so to speak. I dont travel to see my dad because he lives an hour away and my sister lives with him. I havent seen either of them in almost three years because of agoraphobia.
I go in other rooms when my wifes family comes around because they arent sensitive to my disorder and they ask me to come down (they live an hour away) and they try and get me to go places with them, even though they know I have this problem.
I take it as theyre playing the "gotcha" game. I guess just like agoraphobia I avoid my family as well just because they dont try and understand or at least be sensitive to my situation. My mom finally believed me and she was great at trying to understand me. Remember she thought I was not wanting to work so even though shes my mom she had her doubts.
But of course I also hear from my whole family "I have panic attacks and Im fine" or "Im weird about driving outside my area and I feel funny but I do what I have to do" its like telling someone who has a fear of flying that you can fly so why cant they? But most people understand why some people cant fly because of heights ect.
but why cant someone go into a store? Or, why cant you drive two hours to come see me because you used to be able to? Its simple and agoraphobia is simple. Just like a person who has a fear of flying thinks the plane will crash or just hates heights period. A person with agoraphobia thinks that if they go into a public place they will panic and not be able to get out of the building or whatever situation theyre in
and maybe people wont understand whats wrong with that person thats acting funny. So, the way to fix it is to avoid public places or driving and you wont have panic attacks or be anxious. There were times I could go into a store but if the line was more than one person and I started panicing Id have to set whatever I was buying down and walk out of the store and that embarrassing. Mainly because people are thinking youre being rude and if youve ever had a panic attack you know it isnt fun
when your mind tells you to get the hell out because when it does then you do. Also, there some people have panic disorder and live normal lives. Because a person who has four or more panic attacks a week is considered to have panic disorder. I have four panic attacks a day but I have Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia which the agoraphobia is what I focus on mostly with this site.
Friends:
Basically, I have no friends. Thats as simple as it gets. Ive lost all contact with my old buddies and they wouldnt understand anyway and whats the point? I couldnt go see them if they did.
I get lonely sometimes but Ive learned to adapt to my situation or as one doctor said Im "content" with my situation but if I wasnt then Id be going crazy.
Now:
I actually kind of got better last year I was going to gas stations and paying for things at night (because of less people at night) but it was a start. I was driving in heavy traffic around here and things seemed to be getting better. But in September 2007 I lost my brakes on my car and panicked all the way home and on top of having no brakes I was sweating and panicking bad.
I made it ok and my wifes family came up and fixed the brakes and two days later my car messed up again. So, my wife got a job working for my mom and I didnt drive for three months, which means I got out of my routine and in turn basically screwed myself. In December we got the car fixed and I could barley drive her to work everyday which was no less than a minute away and it was hard. A few times she had to walk up the street a little bit to miss some heavy traffic so I could pick her up.
As luck would have it the car messed up once again and we got a new car in February this year and by then she was taking the bus and I still didnt drive even though we had a new car. So, she got her drivers license in March and now she drives herself which hurts me but helps her and my license expires in July so I will lose my license then because I cant go get them renewed.
Now checking the mail is hard for me and driving at all is out of the question. I had a bad panic attack in my home in February and now I get anxious for a week at a time now and now my home is becoming like the car or a store would. My home use to be my safe place but is now no different than me walking down the street
or going into a store. At any time I could panic, during a shower or washing dishes and I even avoid doing dishes now or anything that may take me a while and thank god the land lord mows the lawn or our house would be over grown :)
Conclusion:
This is a on-going battle and I havent lost. It has set me back some but what keeps me going is the fact Ive gotten better before and nothing says I wont be better again. I havent never been close to %100 in three years but any sense of being normal is better than no sense of being normal. The closer I can be to having a somewhat normal life, the better.